Landmark NFL Labor Agreement Reached

Roger Goodell, NFL Commish

America's sports-viewing public can rest easy - the NFL's labor woes have been solved and then some! In a startling moment of clarity for NFL bigwigs and player representatives, a deal was reached in the early hours Friday morning assuring the 2011 NFL season would take place exactly as scheduled.

"We're very pleased to be able to announce that it's going to be business as usual for the NFL again in 2011," offered NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "And by business as usual we mean really big, huge business. Ridiculous cash. Phat stacks. I'm sorry, I know I don't sound quite like myself, but talking about these vast sums of money makes me a little kooky. It's weird, really. We were already making so much and there was so much extra cash to just throw around. I'm not even sure what we were fighting about. Our bad, I guess."

The good news doesn't end there. Owners and players have begun talks about expanding the league to include NFL teams in such far-flung locations as Japan, Australia, and even an Antarctic squad, made up largely of scientists, unspeakable terrors, penguins, and the occasional seal.